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Cat Sample March 24, 2009

Posted by Marc Troeger in cat, humor, pets.
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cat1I was at a loss… the voice mail the veterinarian had just left said that I needed a litter-free urine sample from my cat who was suffering from a possible infection.  How the heck was I supposed to do that?

I have to admit, I’ve never been a cat person.  It was only when I recently got married that I not only took on a wife and her three daughters, but their two cats, Babee and Pumpkin, as well.  Of course, I brought Ernie into the mix, a long-haired, energized dachshund.  For the most part, we all get along, until today…

Pondering my dilemma I eventually posted a message to Facebook and Twitter asking for advice on how said sample was to be obtained.  “Pump the legs, but watch for the front claws!” was one helpful hint, another was “squeeze real hard”.   My sister, a cat-less person herself said that “a ladle would work if you’re willing to follow the cat around.”  Several more creative solution was “two-sided tape and a baggie” and “wait until she’s asleep and put her paw in warm water”.  Of course, my wife’s daughter was the most helpful with “HaHaHaHaHaHa”.

So here follows a brief, Twitter version of my cat afternoon…

  • Cat had no interest in getting in crate.  End up overturning every stick of furniture in the house to eventually corner a hissing, spitting cat
  • While carrying cat to the crate, I feel a warm drizzle down my arm and across my chest.  Success!  Fresh cat pee!
  • Grabbing the first thing at hand, my wife’s coffee cup, capture the few dribbles that were left along with a squeeze from my shirt (Cat pee smells vile!)
  • Late for the appointment, threw crated cat and Ernie in car (not sure why the dog got caught up in the frenzy), grabbed the coffee cup and dashed off to the vet
  • While driving I looked into cup and realized that either the coffee cup had not been entirely empty or we had one very sick cat!  Though proud of my success in getting sample, I wondered what ASPCA rule would be broken if the lab results showed a cat highly amped up on caffeine.
  • Put cup in the cup holder (fatal flaw)
  • Pulling into parking lot, looked down to see Ernie drinking from the cup, enjoying a Cat Pee Cappuccino!  Ahhh!  No sample!
  • Walking into the waiting room with a crated, crying cat, I was ushered into examining room and told to put cat on table
  • Pulling the cat from crate and cradling her to try and calm her – realized the cat had pooped all over herself which meant it was all over me. (Cat poop smells vile!)
  • Vet walks in, looks at us and says “Oh, good!  Fresh sample”.  I can’t remember if he scrapped it off me or the cat.
  • After the examination, his diagnosis: “Cat’s fine!” he said.  “Just nerves.  Try not to excite her too much”
  • Drove home shivering with windows down and 50 degrees outside because both me and the cat smelled like pee and poo; Ernie being oblivious to the fact that his breath smelled the same- he happily got to ride with his head out the window
  • My thoughts turned to my next challenge:  How do you bathe a cat?